Monday, September 8, 2008

I thought...

...waiting would get easier when I got a little busier, but so far it hasn't. Of course school just started, so distraction may yet prove to be the balm I need. The funny thing is, no matter how busy I am or how many other things I'm doing, I'm always thinking about adoption, and about our future baby in a low-grade back of my mind sort of way. I long to talk about adoption, and yet right at this moment there's not much to say.

When I'm at school or out and about, I hope people who know me will ask me how things are going, or that strangers will ask me personal and intrusive questions (that usually annoy me) so I can tell our story. Is that weird or what? Maybe it's just that there's nothing much to do when it comes to baby right now (short of decorating our nursery which I'm NOT doing yet) so I want to talk...who knows?

I received a card in the mail from some friends of ours that moved away just over a year ago. It was a simple card with an adorable baby on the front and a "congratulations on being in the pool" message on the inside, very sweet. Then, a few days later, my sister gave me (or rather her future nephew/niece) these adorable puppy baby booties, and some knit caps for my birthday this year. I cried both times, because it felt so good to be acknowledged as a prospective mother in that way. Short of wearing a cheesy shirt announcing our paper pregnancy (which I actually contemplated,) there is no way for others to know the inner joy and excitement I feel right now. We don't know when or how, but we do know we will be parents and that is thrilling!

I don't even know what this blog entry is about, except that I wanted to write this morning and I'm trying to think of things to say. I guess I'm still coming back to the idea that all this feels a little fake and a little unreal, even though I AM overjoyed about our paper pregnancy.

Somehow I feel left out of the mix and hubbub of excitement regarding impending motherhood. I'm not thought of as a pregnant woman by most people, but in every non-physical sense that's exactly what I am. I realize pregnancy is largely physical, so I get that people might not see the need for acknowledgment for me right now...and I'm not expecting anything from anyone. I guess it's just that I would like to be acknowledged...maybe I'm hungry for a similar kind of attention that I see lavished on the pregnant women around me? Although I do have to say that I'm 100% OK with not having complete strangers walk up and rub my would be nice for others to know and to understand where I am...and where my heart is now.


Debbie B said...

I got one of those shirts for some pictures we did, I wore it a couple of times later (to justify the purchase) and I got some odd looks but no questions.

That was always my biggest complaint, not being recognized. Even among our family. I wish there was some way that PAP's would be recognized as well during the wait.

hope548 said...

I completely understand your feelings and have had them myself! I found myself wanting to talk about it too. Now that we are matched and waiting for birth, people are asking us more, since there is a real baby involved. As much as I like to talk about it, it's still hard, because that's not our baby yet. We fully acknowledge the fact that she could give birth and change her mind, no matter how committed she may seem now. Our excitement lies buried just beneath the surface because we have to prepare for every contingency - baby or change of mind. Adoption brings up very complicated and often conflicting feelings. It's nice to have an outlet and to talk to others who understand!
Keep hanging in there!

Bri said...

Once again, I am right there with you. I have always been a talker and especially now with something so exciting, I want to shout it form the rooftops. I hate feeling like a faker walking through Babies R Us and having conversations with pregnant people like I am one of them. Sometimes I am not sure if I am upset becuase they don't feel like I am one of them, or becuase I don't.
By the way, you are incredibly blessed with the way people have acknowledged you. That is unique and special for sure.

Jessica said...

All I can say is that I know exactly how you feel! I feel like that as blog is even suffering because there's not much to report, but I don't want to go on and on about it.

I don't get asked a lot of the same things other pregnant women get are you feeling, what did the doctor say, done any nursery shopping? And I feel like I can't even get excited about a shower like most pregnant women can...because there are no showers planned! Why have one when we don't know how long it will be?

I feel you...but love hearing how you're doing and you can ramble about paper pregnancy any time!

alicia said...

I think this totally makes sense! Are you apart of any kind of waiting to adopt group or soemthing?? I think it would be great to talk with other parents who are waiting to adopt and then you can share your story with them and get the congrats and acknowldgement you need! just an idea :)

Tracey said...

I wrote an honest, but kind note to people I worked with letting them know that I appreciated all their asking about me, but it hurt more to have to talk about it so much and that when I was chosen everyone would know. They were very understanding and now that I am chosen they are very much behind me....God Bless

Kathleen*Bass said...

Melba, I hope you dont mind that I linked your blog on my page

Your most recent posts have covered all of my own thoughts, fears, frustrations, and excitement. We are in the same waiting game, and I appareciate having a link to someone who "gets it"!


L L said...

I am right there with you too. I find myself anxiously waiting to see if my friends or coworkers will bring up the subject then by the end I find myself somewhat exhausted from the subject. I have had some friends totally treat me as if I am "expecting" and I love it. I also have thought about buying one of those shirts "pregnant, bump not required" but then I think how the $ could go towards the adoption.

Becky said...

Could I have written this nearly 9 years ago? You betcha!!!
I'll keep telling you girl, hang in there! When you least expect it, that phone will ring!