Four Plus One

Today we have been officially waiting in the pool for four months and one day. Today I also found out the two other birth mothers that were on our radar screen have chosen other people. I'd like to say I'm feeling great and confident that the right one will come along, that I'm not sad at all...but that would be a lie. The truth is that I feel stung. I can't help but question what is wrong with us...why haven't we been chosen yet? Should we rewrite our letter...what did we say or not say that is causing us to be passed over? How come some people get chosen after only weeks in the pool while we must wait? Where is our baby Love??

I know this needs to be put into perspective. I know we have only been shown five times, one of which doesn't even really count because she chose the very first person she was shown. I know four months really isn't very long at all in the grand scheme of things. I know our baby will come when he or she is ready and not before. I know this will all unfold when the time is right. I know, I know, I know...and yet I can't seem to shake the feelings of angst I have with all of this.

I'm not doing any justice to my emotions with this post, I'm not qualifying how I really feel at all because I'm not sure I can. When I read the update email from our CW this afternoon I immediately got a heavy feeling in the pit of my stomach, the feeling of rejection and loss. Much like the feeling I used to get when I would take a pregnancy test after a missed period and it would be negative. Like that but also very much unlike that at the same time. Does this make any sense?

I think part of the problem is that my state of mind is skewed at the moment. I am exhausted beyond belief. I've been serving on a jury in downtown Detroit for the past two weeks and the trial is nowhere near completion. I'm also in the crunch time of a 16-credit hour semester and I'm missing a lot of classes. I'm behind on all my projects, my house is a mess, my car is a mess, I am a mess. I need a break--some time to recoup, but no break is on the horizon. I am well aware my attitude is rotten, and I'm quite certain I need to be quiet now and go use my time wisely, which is exactly what I'm going to do...starting now.

UAB Award!

Thanks to Eileen for giving me this award! I love reading her blog and feel that we are on the same page regarding our adoption stories more often than not. Like us, she and her hubby have been married a long time and have been through much on their way to parenthood, I hope they are matched soon. Eileen and her husband are in the process of selling their home right now, which is a major transition...hop on over and give her some love!

About this award...
The "uber" (synonym for super) is a blog award given to sites who:
- inspire you
- make you smile and laugh
- or maybe give you amazing information
- a great read
- has an amazing design
- and any other reason you can think of that makes them uber amazing!

The rules for my award recipients...

1) Put the logo on your blog or post.

2) Nominate at least five blogs (can be more) that for you are uber amazing.

3) Let them know that they have received this uber amazing award by commenting on their blog.

4) Share the love by linking to this post and the person you received the award from.

And my Uber Amazing Awards go to...

Jamie - This blog is a fairly recent addition to my reading list, but man am I inspired! Jamie writes beautifully and from the heart, her words have moved me. She writes recently about being on "cloud nine" because they have been recently matched...I am thrilled with this news and I enjoy her blog very much!
Natalie - Again, a new blog for me, but one I am loving reading! Natalie has a great and uplifting quote at the top of her page (that she also left for me in a comment,) and I am inspired by her story.
Malloryn - Malloryn is in the paperwork mountain phase of the adoption process and it's great to follow along as her story unfolds. They are making great progress with their adoption to-do pile and I am enjoying being a fly on this wall...
Vintage Mommy - All I can really say is WOW! This lady has some amazing ideas and is always giving me food for thought about adoption related topics. Her blog is a treasure to be sure!
Bri - I know she already received this but she's one of my constants through this crazy journey. I love to read her blog and always look forward to new posts. Sometimes it seems odd to feel such a strong connection to someone I only know "virtually," but Bri is one of those people for me without a doubt!
Rebekah - Again, I am duplicating this award for Rebekah, but I can't resist. She is a constant inspiration for me. She has an amazing sense of faith and hope through thick and thin. Even when she's down...I find her words and her spirit truly uplifting. Yet again I've come to feel that I really "know" Rebekah through her words and that is a great feeling. Since we are both Michiganders we are hoping to meet IRL sometime soon--I hope that notion becomes reality!
Nancy - Again a blog I've been reading for a long time now. We are close to the same spot in our adoption journeys and I love to read Nancy's posts. She is heartfelt and truthful with her writing and I am often encouraged by what she has to say!

Oh gees I could got on and on. I would just send them to all of you wonderful ladies! I am having a hard time not continuing this list with every blog I read! I am so inspired and encouraged by all of your blogs and your stories and I love this "virtual world" of friendship more than I can really say in words. THANK YOU to everyone for your constant support, encouragement, and inspiration.

Is it Okay?

Last night at our adoption support group meeting, one of the ladies asked whether it's okay to approach a family they see in public with questions regarding whether or not the children were adopted. Clearly this would most likely happen in families who differ in appearance. Most of the responses were positive--along the lines that it is indeed okay to ask and/or bring up the topic. One mother stated she would much rather have people ask directly than to point and stare, as is sometimes the case. I've been thinking about this a lot and I wonder how I will feel when the time comes for us. I imagine I will be fairly open and willing to talk about our child and his or her adoption story, so long as the safety and comfort of our child is protected. For those of you who are parents, what are your feelings/experiences on this topic? Do you get direct questions, stares, etc.? Have your feelings/opinions changed as your child gets older? What do you do about this aspect of raising adopted children, if anything?

The meeting last night was more organized than the casual meet & greet style of the other meetings I've attended. I liked the opportunity to actually talk and listen to questions and answers; however, I'm also glad there was some mingling time afterwords because that's the aspect of the meetings I value most. What about you guys, do you have IRL adoption friends and/or support groups you attend? Would you attend meetings if your agency held them?

I don't miss it

Today during my observations for my elementary education field experience, I had an opportunity to talk with a woman who is currently undergoing treatments for infertility. It never ceases to amaze me how my life twists and turns, and still seems to align perfectly with the lives of others at times. During this happenstance conversation, I had the distinct and certain feeling that I am exactly where I'm supposed to be. Of course that knowledge is secure for me on an intellectual level, but it's so easy to forget and to wonder why we're still on this side of the parenting fence when we want so badly to cross over. It's easy to feel frustrated about where I am because sometimes I feel like my whole life is taking way too long to get going. Between school, substitute teaching, and where we are in the adoption process...I am constantly in varying stages of transition during this period in my life. Sometimes that gets really old. It's so weird for me to realize...if my life had gone according to my plans, I wouldn't have been where I was today. I wouldn't have made that valuable connection with another person - and who knows, maybe I was able to offer her some small semblance of peace or hope along her path as well.

The other thing that strikes me so profoundly as I reflect upon the conversation we had, is that I can say with 100% honesty that I do not miss infertility treatments one tiny little bit. Listening to her talk was like re-living an uncomfortable nightmare to which I already knew the unhappy ending. My ending, not hers. I don't feel that way about adoption though--even during my lowest times. I don't feel that same sense of despair and emotional exhaustion that was the constant companion of my journey through infertility. I don't miss the prods, pokes, bruises and pain. I don't miss the "days off for personal reasons," the scheduled sex, or trying to rush to the doctor's office before or after school and work...always cutting my time to the bone. I don't miss any of it...and with that realization I am newly reminded that we have something about which to rejoice right now. I have been so bogged down lately with school and work, and in my spare time feeling sorry for myself that I've forgotten to be happy. We ARE going to have a baby...when the time is right, and that is an awesome thought! That makes me want to jump for joy!

We've had two more opportunities to have our profile shown to potential birth mothers during these last few weeks. I haven't blogged about any of this because I didn't want a repeat of that excitement and disappointment cycle I went through the first time we were shown. Needless to say, neither of the subsequent two potential matches panned out for us, because if they had you can be sure I would have been talking. I'm okay with that though, and I honestly feel detachment was a much healthier way for me to handle having our profile shown. The truth is that we may have to go through that process many more times before our birth mother comes along - only time will tell. I am much more comfortable and secure with where we are now though, each time it does get a tiny bit easier...just like some of you said it would. After today I have a renewed sense of faith that our right time will come too...that we are indeed exactly where we should be; doubts, uncertainty and all.

Adoption Language

Lately I've been thinking a lot about adoption language and how language is such a powerful aspect of adoption...indeed a powerful aspect of so much of our lives. During our adoptive parenting classes we learned about PAL, which stands for "Positive Adoption Language." Basically PAL is the art of taking words or sayings that can be hurtful to all members of the adoption community (especially the children, which is the last thing anyone wants) and changing them to express the same concept with more positive wording. Culturally speaking, our society is still fairly ignorant about adoption, which is why many of the negative terms and phrases are still heard frequently today. I thought I'd share two of the most important PAL terms we learned during our classes. These have stuck with me and have even helped me shape the way I think about adoption in general.

• Instead of, "she gave her baby up for adoption" say, "she made an adoption plan for her baby." This is a big one since so many people toss around the "gave up" statement all the time. The terms "gave up," and "placed" imply that there is no decision in the matter, and the fact is that in most adoptions today, birthparents make a painstakingly difficult decision about the care of the child they love very much but cannot parent when they choose adoption.
  
• Instead of, "he is adopted" say, "he was adopted." When you say someone is adopted, that implies that adoption is a condition or ailment for that person rather than the way they joined their family.

I also found this list on the West Virginia social services web site and I thought I'd pass it along.

Say This...	Instead of This...
Birth Parent	Real Parent
Biological Parent	Natural Parent
Birth Child	Own Child
My Child	Adopted Child
Born to Unmarried Parents	Illegitimate
Relinquish Rights	Give Away
Terminate Parental Rights	Take Away
Waiting Child	Available Child
Parent	Adoptive Parent
Child Placed for Adoption	Unwanted Child
Child with Special Health Care Needs	Handicapped Child

It's Going Around

I know this video is going around on the blogosphere, but I love this so much that I simply have to re-post it. Thanks to Debbie for helping to get this wonderful and uplifting message out there!



Also check out this article that I linked to from Rebekah's blog. It sounds like this woman has been through a lot trying to bring her daughter home from Russia. The article gives some good insight into where we PAP people are coming from.

The Truth

The truth is that sometimes the truth hurts. I've been one part extremely busy and one part extremely sad, hence the reason I've been away from the blogosphere for the past week or so. I'm sorry to all of you whose blogs I haven't read recently. I played a little catch up today and am feeling like a better blogging buddy now. :)

As for my sadness, I'm making progress in getting over our last bit of disappointing news from the agency. I don't know what in the world I was thinking, but I was thoroughly convinced that was our baby, even though it was our first time being shown and we only had a one in six chance. My hopes were sky high and I was very worked up. It was hard for me to hear we weren't chosen. Harder than it should have been, I think. Sometimes I wonder what's wrong with me. I've read some stories where people just move on and barely flinch when they aren't chosen--I admire the complete and utter faith some of you have. Sometimes I wish I could say the same for myself. I mean, I do have faith, but sometimes it feels rather fragile and shaky--not at all like the armor I know it is for some people. I guess it's just that I've wanted this - motherhood for so long now that sometimes I honestly feel like I can't wait another day. I know my time will come when the time is right, and I have absolutely NO control over when that will be, but that knowledge doesn't make this part of the process any easier.

Luckily I am busy these days, head-spinningly so. My semester has been a whirlwind lately, and when I'm not at school I'm either getting my feet wet with subbing jobs or doing homework. All this activity is supposed to make waiting easier, right? Right!

Blah...

Rrrrip!

If this doesn't make you smile nothing will...certainly brightened my spirits some. :)



I especially like what this shows about human learning...his anticipatory reaction by the end is great!

Better Luck Next Time...

Human hope is an amazing thing. Sometimes my capacity to have so much hope, even in the face of doubt and uncertainty scares me. That said, I realize hope has been a saving grace at many times in my life too.

The birthmom who was looking at our profile still isn't sure she's going to make an adoption plan, but if she does she has chosen another couple. I am having a hard time right now. I feel mostly sad, but also a little stupid for allowing myself to get so worked up about this. In some ways I wish I wouldn't have known we were being considered - then I wouldn't even know I'm supposed to feel sad right now! I was already imagining so many amazing things relating to THIS baby and THIS birthmom...I had myself completely convinced that this was "the one." Now I just feel like I'm stuck under a huge, gray cloud of sadness and disappointment. WHY did I do this to myself??? Our profile may be shown MANY more times before we are chosen...clearly I can't keep doing this every time a birthmom is considering us, I'll never make it through.

Whatever - I know there is still hope left over in my heart. "This too shall pass," as Ma B (my dad's mom) always used to say. Much like the days of infertility, right after another late period would start...I just have to give myself a little time to process this sadness, then I'll pick up the pieces and get back to the business of hoping for our "right time"--our baby to come soon. What else is there?

******Updated to attempt to answer a couple of questions from the comments:******

I was actually a little surprised when we were asked if we wanted to be shown to this birthmom in the first place. I found myself thinking OF COURSE we want to be shown. If our acceptability checklist matches her wishes ans situation then YES...we want to be shown, wasn't that the whole point to begin with?! I THINK our agency has the basic policy that if they have information to share they share it. I haven't spoken to our CW about any of this in person, only via email so this is all my own speculation. I am torn. I just read on another blog about a mistake that was made by an agency that caused an otherwise acceptable match to fall through. For this reason I think it's nice to be asked in advance if we want to be shown. That way we can be sure the situation is truly one with which we could feel comfortable. At the same time, knowing we were being considered was HARD and I'm not entirely sure I want to go through this up and down cycle every single time until "the one" finally happens. I guess I've always sort of envisioned getting a magical, life-changing call someday and then being lost in the whirlwind of impending motherhood. I never quite expected this much of a roller coaster! I still have a lot of processing to do about all of this. In one respect I can already see that this may have been a touchy situation. The birthmom doesn't sound AT ALL sure she wants to pursue adoption, which means she very well may change her mind when it's all said and done. I'm going to wait a few days and then I may talk to our CW about how all of this happened and whether or not the agency requires us to know about prospective birthmoms, or if there is some kind of choice in the matter for us.

Trying to Relate

Two times in the past week I've had the opportunity to talk about adoption with new people I've been meeting. I enjoy these interchanges very much since I'm always in the mood to discuss adoption! Still, both times I've been a little taken aback when I heard, "oh I've always wanted to adopt." I think to myself, "really?" Please don't misunderstand, I very much DO want to adopt and I am very happy with where we are in the process now, as well as the decisions we've made that have led us to this point. Having said that, if someone would have asked me five or six years ago if I wanted to adopt, my answer would have been no. Adoption is not second best, it's just different. It's different from the way most of us envision building our families.

I know most people I talk to are simply trying to relate to me when they say such things, but if they really thought about it they would realize sometimes it's simply better to keep some thoughts private. My response is generally something to the effect that while adoption wasn't originally my first choice toward the goal of having a family, it is my choice now...and then more adoption talk usually follows.

I believe that part of my "job" as a prospective adoptive mother is to provide adoption education when there's an opportunity. Still, so much of this process is unprecedented and leaves little with which to relate adoption for "everyday" people. There is no way for the average person to understand adoption and what it means for all members of the adoption triad, how to talk about it, even how to think about adoption until and unless it has affected them personally. Sometimes this really frustrates me...

Sweet & Sour

First of all, THANK YOU to all of you for your sweet and thoughtful comments on my last post. I couldn't believe it when I had over 20 comments with only a couple people commenting more than once. :) It's really great to know there are so many other people out there who "get it" and who can relate so well to the ups and downs of this whole process. You guys rock!

Some of the other adoptive parents with our agency have organized an adoption support group for adoptive families in our area. Hubby and I attended a meeting for the first time back in early June and today I went to a second get together. Michael had to work so I went alone, which was admittedly a little awkward at first. Luckily my new friend, Paulina was there and she made me feel very comfortable. She and her husband were in the pool of waiting families when I met them back in June, and today I got to meet their three-month-old baby girl. They were great, and they let me hold precious little M. all afternoon, which was very therapeutic for me. I'm so happy for this new little family!

All totaled there were about 20 people there, all but two of whom had their little ones in tow. On one hand it was really affirming to see so many families that have been formed through adoption, but it's also odd because looking around and seeing all the other people who have already been matched while we're still waiting is a little bittersweet. Having said that, it's comforting to know that they have been chosen through the same process we're going through, and we will too someday. And I also know that we will be matched with the baby that's right for us--that after it happens I will look back and say I wouldn't have wanted it any other way. Logically I know that.

This whole journey is just plain hard sometimes. Try as I might, I can't squelch my feelings of intensity related to this birth mom we just found out about. I've told myself time and again to remain calm and not over think the situation. In reality though I've already day dreamed myself into motherhood...I've got my imaginary room decorated and favorite names picked out! What will happen come Friday (or after) is anyone's guess, this I know. The logical part of me knows it could go either way and the emotional part of me...well, yeah...she's in a completely different world at this point. In one respect I want Friday to be here NOW so I can know what's going to happen one way or the other and at the same time, I want to freeze-frame time right now so I don't have to deal with the disappointing news that we weren't chosen this time, if that should be the case. I'm definitely rambling, but I guess I'm feeling a little off kilter today and I'm trying to make it all make sense. What else can I say?



P.S. Thanks also for the comments on my new page layout. I had lots of fun decorating it using Debblie's Instructions, though I did have to enlist the help of my hubby a few times for the HTML coding part. :)

Praying for Peace

I just received an email from our agency letting us know there is a birthmom who will be looking at our profile (as well as several others I'm sure) next Friday, October 3. I know very little about the birthmom, except that she is 18, having a boy and due in December. As far as I know this will be the first time our letter has been shown since becoming active in the pool. Please pray for this birthmom as she prepares to make this huge decision. I am praying that she finds peace and comfort with our agency, and that she is able to make a decision that will put her mind at ease.

I have no idea when or even if we will be updated on this situation, but I'm sure I'll have to blog about it if we are. :) I feel nervously excited, but I also realize there are a number of different potential outcomes with this and I shouldn't be getting my hopes up...

Twice Tagged

Thanks to my friends, Bri and Nancy for the tags. Better late than never, right?! :)

FIVE WAYS BLOGGING HAS AFFECTED ME:

Here are the rules:
1. Write about 5 specific ways blogging has affected you, either positively or negatively.
2. link back to the person who tagged you
3. link back to this parent post
4. tag a few friends or five, or none at all
5. post these rules— or just have fun breaking them

I have a feeling my post is going to get long, so before I start, I'm tagging:

Eileen
I was going to tag Karen, but she has much bigger fish to fry, check it out!!!
Dave
Jessica

So...five ways blogging has affected me? As Nancy pointed out, being tagged serves as a great way for us to be able to share more background information about ourselves, thereby deepening the connections we've formed. That thought leads me to my first response, which is exactly that, connection. I remember a time (not that long ago) when I was literally craving a link to other people with whom I could talk about adoption. My blog started mostly as an outlet for me, and a way to record our story as it unfolds, but it has become so much more than that. I love the fact that I am seeing families being formed through this blog. People I never would have met IRL that have now, almost magically, affected me in ways I never could have imagined. So to all of you I have connected with, thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Second, I would say relief. Sometimes this whole adoption thing can get a little too intense, and reading other blogs lightens that up a bit. Whether relief comes in the form of humor, comfort, friendship, or just simply being able to relate so well to what others are feeling and experiencing...all of these things and more...sort of save me from myself at times, if that makes any sense.

Third, I am surprised by how much I've come to rely upon the advice and support of other pre adoptive and adoptive parents. The many comments I receive on my blog help me to clarify and make sense of some of the complicated and challenging aspects and decisions encompassed in this journey. From simple pondering like when to buy a car seat, to much more complex and involved discussions, such as whether or not to breastfeed an adopted baby; and figuring out exatly what the right words should be for our future birth mother...I imagine my anxiety level would be through the roof without this support system.

Fourth--and this is a negative one, my level of productivity (especially around the house) has plumeted since I discovered this loevely blogging community. Bri pointed out once that she's hopelessly addicted, and I have to share her confession. I log on sometimes, thinking I'm simply going to check my blog and then, all of a sudden two hours (or more) has flown by! In fact, right at this moment I'm looking out our sliding glass door at the grass blowing in the breeze. Yeah...I should NOT be blogging right now!

Last but not least, I would say blogging has provided me with a sense of belonging that I've needed for a long time. I can sometimes have a tendency to isolate myself, or not ask for the support I need. That was especially prevelant during our infertility phase. I felt so alone all through that--and I didn't feel I could really bring it up with my friends and family all that often. I guess I had more of the "suffer in silence" mentality. All I can say now, is thank God for the written word, and for my writing abilities. I've always kept journals, but blogging has been even better than the paper journals I still keep. Blogging comes with strings attached, and with the ability to truly let go and be myself all at the same time. All I can say is that's been really, really good for me.